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A Birthday Note to Lloyd

Lloyd, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you’ve lost another year of your life and are closer to dying than you’ve ever been in your life so far. The fact that you are a douchebag is also some bad news for you.

The good news is that I have written you a birthday message, so you can print it out and stick it to your wall whenever you need to be reminded that great people will deign to speak to you if you manage to date their sister.

And I sent you a present in the post, it is a hamster. That is very good news as it didn’t look promising for a while there, it took me like 20 minutes in the post office to get the friggin thing into one of those large envelopes. I also included a three pack of pencil sharpeners but they’re not part of the present so please send me $3.20. I accept cheque or coins.