April 2013
1 post
How to Write a Resignation Letter
When you write a resignation letter, it is important to be simple, brief, and focused.
Make sure to address it to the correct person, and be clear about the fact that you are leaving:
Dear Greg, I am leaving.
You must also include the date that your resignation becomes effective, and the exact position you are resigning from:
As of half past thank fuck o’clock on Tuesday, I will...
January 2013
1 post
6 tags
A Note from a Houseguest
Dear Steven and Janet, While I would like to thank you for the hospitality you extended to me over the last three months by having me to your house in Maine, I do have some feedback on guest services. I don’t want you to think that I am ungrateful or racist, but I felt somewhat unwelcome at times and I think you could work on that. For example on my second weekend there I was feeling very...
December 2012
1 post
6 tags
November 2012
3 posts
7 tags
A Note to Fitness First
My name is Ross and I joined Fitness First three weeks ago when my previous exercise regime of high kicks failed to give me my perfect beach bod.
I have enjoyed the use of your facilities very much, particularly the safety conscious trainer who beeps whenever I move backwards and the great 80’s hits, but I am disappointed to report a theft from your premises.
The incident occurred on Thursday- I...
5 tags
A Note to Jesinta Campbell
You must learn not to listen to shop assistants.
Because, and I truly mean this, you somehow look like the offspring of a smurf and a boob.
4 tags
October 2012
4 posts
6 tags
A Halloween Note
Dear Sir,
You have been nominated for the Father of the Year Award.
Philip Morris
6 tags
A Note to President Obama
Barry,
I was digging in my backyard just before, and apart from some cans and my current toothbrush, I found a time portal.
This surprised me as I wasn’t expecting it, so I took a break to ponder my discovery and have a snack (the snack was disappointing as the muesli bar in my bag turned out to be a bar of soap in a wrapper).
I thought I should pass on my knowledge to the authorities,...
6 tags
A Note to Felix Baumgartner
From one peer to another I’d just like to say congratulations on your skydive from outer space.
Only last week I was facing a 3 foot jump myself in uncontrolled circumstances.
I was descending the staircase at home, which is usually a nerve-wracking but ultimately safe undertaking, but on this occasion I hit disaster four steps from the bottom.
The final three steps- what you and I would...
6 tags
How to Write a Biography
A biography is the story of someone’s life. Short biographies tell the interesting facts about someone and the things they’ve done, but it can be difficult to know what to include. Whether it is for a school project or a wedding speech, we’ve got a formula you can follow for success.
Open with an ice-breaker, referring to your subject:
Grace. What can I say about Grace?
...
September 2012
1 post
5 tags
A Note to Buddy Franklin
Windex is not a hair product.
August 2012
2 posts
4 tags
A Birthday Note to Lloyd
Lloyd, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you’ve lost another year of your life and are closer to dying than you’ve ever been in your life so far. The fact that you are a douchebag is also some bad news for you.
The good news is that I have written you a birthday message, so you can print it out and stick it to your wall whenever you need to be reminded...
5 tags
June 2012
2 posts
5 tags
A Note to Everyone I Know
7 tags
May 2012
2 posts
7 tags
A Note to My Owner
Dude check out my new t-shirt. I fashioned it from that sling that holds your bits.
I wish I had bits but you had them removed.
Broke the bro code in a big way there my friend but at least you left me one appendage. I’m going to use it now to pee in your shoes. Right after I hump the shit out of your pillow.
Shithead.
7 tags
April 2012
2 posts
6 tags
A Note to My Dog
Leopold,
I know you are new to couch sitting, and are yet to grasp the general conventions of the activity.
This is not it.
Your wonderfully delightful owner
6 tags
A Note to my Classroom Nemesis
March 2012
1 post
8 tags
February 2012
3 posts
5 tags
A Note to Maybelline
8 tags
A Note to My Valentine
7 tags
A Note to my Grade 4 Teacher
January 2012
3 posts
3 tags
6 tags
A Note to the Douchebag who Ate my Lunch
Dear Douchebag/Terry,
Last Tuesday, I was a very happy camper. I got up at 7 rather than my usual 7.30, a move that I’m sure would confound and amaze a shithead like yourself. I did this for two reasons- one I had to feed my new Axilottle or Mexican Walking Fish who I have cleverly named Axistotle by combining the name of the philosopher Aristotle and the correct title of the type of fish...
3 tags
A Note to my Best Friend
My dearest Sonia, or Ron as I have come to call you,
You got a mis-shaped head. But I do love you in spite of your flaws.
It makes my own head look nicely head-shaped and “un-grotesque” when I stand next to you (that latter reference is a witness’ comment, I’d never say such a thing.. Although just a heads up about who loves you and who doesn’t, said witness is...
