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An Office Complaint Note

I’d like to file an official complaint against my co-worker, Philip Hughes (or, as per the office memo he sent around last month, he may be in your files as Spiderman Hughes).

As his peer I am unable to discipline him or censor his behaviour, but have noted down incidents that I believe should be on record.

Firstly, I am concerned about Philip’s work. He doesn’t seem to do much, often given to the fact that he goes to the toilet in the morning and leaves a cardboard cut-out of Dustin Hoffman at his desk until home time. Only last week I asked him to hand in the Alcott Files and instead he submitted the sign from the toilets asking people not to stand on the toilet seats. His excuse that it must have fallen into his notes was patchy considering there were no other notes, the sign had been laminated and super-glued to the tile wall, and there was still a tile attached.

He also took two weeks of sick leave when his shoulder ‘just fell out’ of its socket, as well as sick leave for a coma, bereavement leave for his dead wife followed by paternity leave for his pregnant wife, and then leave to deal with charges of gay prostitution. I was assigned all his work over these periods, and when I expressed concern about the situation he cut off a chunk of my hair and named me to the police as the pimp of a large prostitution ring.

Philip’s behaviour is affecting the morale of the office in general- for example, he looked after the office pet iguana last weekend, and when he returned on Monday, Rocky was a rock on a leash with a rudimentary iguana drawn on it and a shoelace tail sticky-taped to the face end. Also last month he gave a half-empty packet of staples and a cigarette butt to the collection for Jenny’s birthday present. This was unsuitable as we were collecting cash for a voucher, and also as Jenny is in office supplies and had provided Philip with the full staple packet twenty minutes earlier.

He is unkind to others, like on Tuesday when he told Glen that Glen’s parents had just died in a house fire so he could have Glen’s sandwich. He will only stop throwing socks at ‘Dobby’ (short-statured Peter) on the days he has a prostitute come to the office looking to service Tyrion Lannister (short-statured Peter). Peter’s marriage has broken down as a result and he has resorted to living in the building’s ventilation system.

I thought perhaps Philip was coming good and trying to be nicer this morning when he offered to make me a Cup-a-Soup from the kitchen to sooth my sore throat, but when he came back with a cup-o-urine and cut off another chunk of my hair I began to doubt his intentions.

I had a meeting with my supervisor to discuss Philip’s behaviour, which would have been very productive if it hadn’t just been Philip in Groucho Marx glasses (an ill-begotten disguise, for while my supervisor does indeed have a moustache, she does not wear glasses).

I think at the very least a mediation session is in order, or perhaps Philip should be let go or sent to jail. In case further evidence is needed, I have attached photos of the office Christmas party showing a) Philip having sex with the office kettle, and b) Philip forcibly riding Donkey (short-statured Peter).

Regards,

James Bourke

How to Write a Resignation Letter

When you write a resignation letter, it is important to be simple, brief, and focused.

Make sure to address it to the correct person, and be clear about the fact that you are leaving: 

Dear Greg, I am leaving.

You must also include the date that your resignation becomes effective, and the exact position you are resigning from:

As of half past thank fuck o’clock on Tuesday, I will officially step down from my position as Executive Undersecretary of Dynamic Stationary Management, or more colloquially ‘guy in charge of pen drawer’ , including such duties as Optimisation of Pencil Sharpness.

Hopefully you have already resigned in person, but if you have been unable to then briefly explain why:

I would have come to see you on Monday, but was unable to due to an appointment about my left leg being shorter than my right leg and the effect it is having on my self-confidence. 

Be clear about your reasons for leaving: 

I cannot work in such close proximity to the break room anymore as Irene has been humping the water cooler again. 

Some feedback is fine, but be sure not to include anything negative or disparaging about the company: 

Please do not think that I am leaving because of the rampant theft going on throughout the office, or the fact that Phillip from the photocopy room is a guinea pig who never staples my copies together straight. While the police may be disparaging about the ‘illegalities’ of the company, I am thoroughly positive about my whole experience, even the day my pants were stolen from around my ankles while I was on the toilet. 

It is recommended not to use specific names of supervisors, co-workers, or subordinates unless in a positive light: 

Jenny has a great rack. 

It is very important to thank your employer for the opportunities you have had during your employment:

Greg, you have helped me a lot both personally and professionally- like the month I spent struggling with the weight of humankind on my shoulders thinking that I might be Jesus but just didn’t know it yet, and when you taught me that recycling is for dickwads. 

The letter will be included in your employment file and could be shared with other potential employers, so make sure it is professional and polite, and places you in a good light:

I would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that I have mad skateboarding skillz, and also I visit my Nan a lot and sometimes I don’t even take anything from her house.

Conclude your resignation by offering to help with the transition: 

I will give my stapler to Ahmed.

Respectfully yours, 

etc

A Note from a Houseguest

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Dear Steven and Janet,

While I would like to thank you for the hospitality you extended to me over the last three months by having me to your house in Maine, I do have some feedback on guest services.

I don’t want you to think that I am ungrateful or racist, but I felt somewhat unwelcome at times and I think you could work on that. For example on my second weekend there I was feeling very sensitive about my conjunctivitis and didn’t appreciate being called ‘Conjuncty’ for the rest of my stay. The asbestos you had installed in my room also sent me some mixed messages.

Secondly, you should really focus more on activities your guest would enjoy- no one played Monopoly with me the whole time so I always had to play with my childhood friend, Walter Tatlock, who is a bucket. And no guest should have to do the amount of cleaning you made me do. You had me scrubbing vomit stains off surfaces on no fewer than nine occasions, after I’d already had a hell of a time getting them there. Thank God you never opened the pool room freezer or I would’ve had to start asking for a cleaner’s salary. Sheesh. 

Also if I were you I would not leave my private business lying around for guests to see my dirty laundry- the softly pornographic pictures of Janet I stumbled across while accidentally rifling through your safe should not be so easily accessible. For example, I am keeping them on my person at all times so they are never unattended. 
 
Lastly, it would have been nice to receive a goodbye present of higher quality than just the shit drawing Chlorine gave to me. She made me look like I have sausage hands, her colouring in was lacklustre and unrealistic, and she didn’t even bother to spell her own name right. No effort, she left out three whole letters.

You should really do something about her attitude, just because she has a full set of shoes it doesn’t mean she’s better than me. A short sharp side kick to the head should settle her right down, and also hopefully knock some personality into her because right now she’s as interesting as a box of hair.

Anyway, just some things to work on over the next week as I am coming back on Tuesday. I would appreciate swapping rooms with Chlorine, she has younger lungs.

See you then,

From Phillip

Hello Dr.Goldshtein,It’s your patient Tod Glerg here. Don’t panic I don’t have lice again, this time I am writing for some advice from one man with a medical degree to another with a tramp stamp and access to free porn.I need some professional assistance from you after someone mistook me for a medical practitioner the other day while I was borrowing all the stationary from my other doctor’s office.  I went with it as I had some time before my DragonBallZ match, but ran into a little hitch in the afternoon whilst seeing my sixth patient.This patient presented with some chest pains when I sat on her, but the rectal exam revealed a normal sized thyroid, so I’m not concerned there. It was between when I told her she was dying and had a very large peepee for a woman and when I realised her x-ray was the back of a cereal box that things got a bit iffy- she asked me why my medical certificate was written in green crayon on the side of a Kleenex box.I managed to get her into the mop cupboard without much trouble, but was wondering whether you might send me a photocopy of your medical certificate so I can use that. In your own time. But quite quickly. DW it’s not negligent, I have been playing a lot of Operation and only hit the sides like 6 or 10 times a go and most of the pieces I haven’t even swallowed yet.Also do you have any pamphlets I can give to my flock, I only have one for vaginal thrush which is unsatisfactory as it has been leaving my male patients confused and shaky and they always ask for their pants and wallets back. And they all have lice now from somewhere.From TodPut 5 bucks in the envelope too please I am low on M&Ms and I have a duty to medicate my patients and the only pharmacist I know is 8 and his Mum has confiscated his bike. 

Hello Dr.Goldshtein,

It’s your patient Tod Glerg here. Don’t panic I don’t have lice again, this time I am writing for some advice from one man with a medical degree to another with a tramp stamp and access to free porn.

I need some professional assistance from you after someone mistook me for a medical practitioner the other day while I was borrowing all the stationary from my other doctor’s office. 
I went with it as I had some time before my DragonBallZ match, but ran into a little hitch in the afternoon whilst seeing my sixth patient.

This patient presented with some chest pains when I sat on her, but the rectal exam revealed a normal sized thyroid, so I’m not concerned there.

It was between when I told her she was dying and had a very large peepee for a woman and when I realised her x-ray was the back of a cereal box that things got a bit iffy- she asked me why my medical certificate was written in green crayon on the side of a Kleenex box.

I managed to get her into the mop cupboard without much trouble, but was wondering whether you might send me a photocopy of your medical certificate so I can use that. In your own time. But quite quickly. DW it’s not negligent, I have been playing a lot of Operation and only hit the sides like 6 or 10 times a go and most of the pieces I haven’t even swallowed yet.

Also do you have any pamphlets I can give to my flock, I only have one for vaginal thrush which is unsatisfactory as it has been leaving my male patients confused and shaky and they always ask for their pants and wallets back. And they all have lice now from somewhere.

From Tod

Put 5 bucks in the envelope too please I am low on M&Ms and I have a duty to medicate my patients and the only pharmacist I know is 8 and his Mum has confiscated his bike.
 

A Note to Fitness First

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My name is Ross and I joined Fitness First three weeks ago when my previous exercise regime of high kicks failed to give me my perfect beach bod.

I have enjoyed the use of your facilities very much, particularly the safety conscious trainer who beeps whenever I move backwards and the great 80’s hits, but I am disappointed to report a theft from your premises.

The incident occurred on Thursday- I remember clearly as I had been to the pre-natal Zumba class where everyone kept calling me Rick and telling me to leave. After class, I returned to the men’s locker rooms to find that my gym bag was missing. It is a newly purchased limited-edition green Safeway bag, which not only had my formal crocs in it, but also my good black pants. (This was not ideal as I had a job interview straight after my workout and so was forced to wear my black gym shorts and colour in the rest of my legs. Luckily reception had a red pen so I could include the stripes down the side or it would have looked unrealistic.)

I checked in lost property but only found a men’s g-string. After changing into it, I spoke to the woman at reception- I think her name is Janine; she was the one who looked, as they say, as though she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say “when”. At any rate, she was thoroughly unhelpful as the huge mole on her neck rendered me unable to attend to the conversation.  

I would like you to replace my gym bag and its contents, or at least give me a McDonald’s or Hungry Jacks voucher for a double cheeseburger meal (but not KFC, I am not allowed in there anymore after last month when a woman brought a dog in in her handbag and it could smell my fear and my throat was exposed so I drop kicked it).

If my bag is handed in or you wish send me a voucher, please throw a note with the details away into your main trash bin- the dumpster it is emptied into is where I shop for clothes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I hope this terrible situation can be put to rights. I also hope that I get my cape back, or at least another one of equal or better quality for Christmas.

Please enjoy the 40 minute flute solo I have recorded onto the tape enclosed.

Ross

Your Royal Highness, Duchess of Cornwall,
Due to an unfortunate clerical error, wherein a clerk was unsure of your heritage, you have been registered to run in this week’s Melbourne Cup, instead of the originally agreed upon presenting of the cup.
Unfortunately at this late stage we are unable to rectify this error or change the draw, so your presence is required in barrier 6 this Tuesday. You will be required to organise a jockey.
Regards,
Henry Denton
Spring Carnival Racing Council

Your Royal Highness, Duchess of Cornwall,

Due to an unfortunate clerical error, wherein a clerk was unsure of your heritage, you have been registered to run in this week’s Melbourne Cup, instead of the originally agreed upon presenting of the cup.

Unfortunately at this late stage we are unable to rectify this error or change the draw, so your presence is required in barrier 6 this Tuesday. You will be required to organise a jockey.

Regards,

Henry Denton

Spring Carnival Racing Council

A Note to President Obama

Barry,

I was digging in my backyard just before, and apart from some cans and my current toothbrush, I found a time portal. 

This surprised me as I wasn’t expecting it, so I took a break to ponder my discovery and have a snack (the snack was disappointing as the muesli bar in my bag turned out to be a bar of soap in a wrapper). 

I thought I should pass on my knowledge to the authorities, but when I sought help from a nearby policeman I discovered it was just a very tall 12 year old. His mother wouldn’t let me teach him any nunchuck skills, so I had to leave my discovery unattended as I had an intervention to go to for my travel agent. 

Please send an agent or intern to secure the portal, and wait for me to get back before we go time-travelling. I am also bidding on a Nickelback single on eBay so can we wait until the auction is over too.

I can bring my nunchucks, a tube of tinea cream in case we have to shower in a public facility, and a new recipe I found for potato salad that I’m sure we’ll get an opportunity to try at some point.

I would advise you handle this discovery very carefully, as it could be quite important to the re-election. If you stuff this up, people will only remember you as is the guy who looked like Chris Rock who lost a time portal and/or ended the world. It happened to Stalin, no-one ever remembers his embroidery. Michelle can’t come, she might get hysterical like women do and I’d have to taser her.

See you later, Trav

PS. Can you help me out with my Video Ezy membership. I am banned for some late fees and they have instructions to shoot on sight.

A Note to Felix Baumgartner

From one peer to another I’d just like to say congratulations on your skydive from outer space.

Only last week I was facing a 3 foot jump myself in uncontrolled circumstances. 

I was descending the staircase at home, which is usually a nerve-wracking but ultimately safe undertaking, but on this occasion I hit disaster four steps from the bottom.

The final three steps- what you and I would know as the ‘safety zone’- was covered in piles of laundry. I managed to keep my cool upon approach, as I could see a hazard and knew I had to be calm to assess (old Hall Monitor conditioning kicked in, much like Navy or SWAT instincts). Most people would be wondering why I didn’t just call the police right away, but you know us boys, living off the adrenalin.

Unlike you, I didn’t have any gear with me so I had to make do with the PB&J sandwich I was holding and the stickytape holding up my shorts. I used the PB&J as a glue to turn my shorts into a make-shift parachute, and ate the stickytape for sustenance. 

I readied myself for the jump.

In preparing for my run up I tripped and fell through the laundry and onto the floor. I know that unbelievably exhilarating feeling of free falling, and unlike you I didn’t even have to rely on my parachute.

You keep up your good work Felix, and I’ll keep up mine.

David

P.s. Do you have a belt I can have. 

How to Write a Biography



A biography is the story of someone’s life. Short biographies tell the interesting facts about someone and the things they’ve done, but it can be difficult to know what to include. Whether it is for a school project or a wedding speech, we’ve got a formula you can follow for success.

Open with an ice-breaker, referring to your subject:

Grace. What can I say about Grace? 


Start with a relevant basic fact about the person, for example their career: 

Full time lawyer, part time rapper. 

Be informative about a significant life event: 

It was a pity her debut single “Bitches Moles Titties” was labelled an international humanitarian crisis, alongside the refugees in Sudan. It’s line ‘Bitches yo titties mole’s in da club, tightarse swagger see me lawyer yo ass, Tupac who, I iz got all the class’ accompanied by the dance moves ‘pelvis circle, arm pump across face, arm pump across face, high kick, thrust thrust hump’ was universally rejected, incidentally assisting tensions between Israel and Palestine as the citizens united in bewildered disgust.

Elaborate on how this event made the person noteworthy:

The video clip, filmed in her little brother Joe’s room and featuring a cap worn backwards and Grace’s red Scotch track pants, was banned in 47 countries (including Puerto Rico, but excluding the Vatican, where, in a surprising turn of events, it has been a steady No.2 on the charts, behind ‘Lord, You’re Flocking Kidding Me’, and is the Pope’s ringtone).

Discuss how this event impacted on your subject’s life:

Unfortunately, Grace has an addictive personality, and lost most of her profits at the hound track (in a drastic and unprecedented move she put three quarters of her earnings on her pug Leo for the win, a daring strategy given that he is both fat and was not entered in the race). 

With the remaining quarter of her $12, Grace parked in the city for 50 minutes. 

Did he or she overcome obstacles? Take risks? 

Grace overcomes obstacles every day of her life, as her house’s front door is blocked by a dumpster, a trolley, an art easel, and a hobo. She takes risks in leaving her trolley and art easel outside with the hobo. 

If able to, get a personal comment from someone in their life:

(mumbed) “Fuckin number 13 leaving all her shit in my area all you government workers smell like mouthwash and burning rubber if I didn’t have this strainer on my head so they don’t probe me I’d get up and … (fades out)” - Kenny, Grace’s hobo

Conclude your biography by bringing your readers/audience up to date with the subject’s current situation:

Grace spends her spare time at the park, throwing thongs at kids’ heads. 

And voila! Biography done, they will be just thrilled with your efforts.